Fresh Start

I watched the sunrise today, haven't done that for awhile. I then realized that the beginning of every day is a "fresh start". It doesn't matter where you were yesterday, last year, or even 5 minutes ago. You can begin anew daily.

I have realized that I tend to take the little things for granted. The birds meet you with a morning song and the air has a cool touch. You breath in and have a moment of serenity, when you know that everything is going to be fantastic, but then we slowly get bogged down by everything through out the day. If we can just hold that thought and bring it back in our moments of "bogness", we can continue being happy and having that fantastic feeling last.

My therapist and I have decided that I write down 10 positive things before I eat breakfast. I have challenged myself to make sure that every days is different. Don't loose that feeling of hope and don't you dare give up. Life today isn't easy and there are so many allies that we can take to make the pain go away, live in it and conquer the pain, the sadness, the loneliness, or whatever it may be. With this you become a stronger being. You are what you overcome and your weaknesses become your strengths.

I am finding out that I am a strong person, I just needed to be tested to find that out. I know now that I can overcome anything that is thrown my way, whether or not I think I can get past it, in that moment. I have friends and family that care dearly for me and would help me if I ever needed it. I have doctors that I consult with about my health on a regular bases. I am becoming something I never thought I could be, STRONG!

Love and Diagnost

It's funny since I have been diagnost I feel as if I have to fight hard for love. Last night was beautiful, spent it with the one I love to make her feel better. I feel as if I still have to fight though as if I have to keep pushing harder and harder. It can get very stressful at times but I know that it will be worth it in the end. I just hope that things will work out, I am a strong believer in "things happen for a reason".

I have started working out, alot! 2 hours a day, feel as if I have sometype of purpose when I blow steam off or just have fun while working out. Things seem to be looking up, the meds I am on help me focus like have never been able to, things actually get done. I don't give up anymore half way through a project.

Work is great, I hope to be the store manager in 5 years time, if I don't go on a LDS mission. I love my work, it's hard but fulfilling. I hope to get faster and more accurate. My life feels full of purpose once again. I hope that it doesn't stop feeling this way, I have purpose and feel so alive.

Why?

They say that you tend to hurt the ones you love most and that is due to the fact that we subconsciously think that they will love us unconditionally, no matter what. I think it is something else, we hurt the loves we love because subconsciously we are resenting them or we are jealous of them or both or maybe something else.

Why is it after I get this diagnosis that everything else seems to fall apart? Is it due to the fact that life is funny or is it the cause of the Lord. Remeber he doesn't work in mysterious ways, he work in His way. I just don't know how to continue at times and others I seem to know exactly what to do. How is it that we just can't figure out everything everytime, we all have the potential to do so but our freaking emotions get in the way. Should we all be more like a Vulcan, no emotion what so ever, complete logic. I think that life would make a whole lot more sense.

Now that I have been diagnost, I am scared I wont find love, wont find someone to accept me for who I am. Maybe that is a little dramatic, but who wants someone who is, for lack of a better word, "crazy". If I don't find someone then whatever if I do then great. My thought process has become alot clearer with these meds I am on. Just keep moving and hopefully life wont beat you down. Remember to keep your chin up and take life's beatings. When you do your considered a great survivor.

Wyoming

Today has been relaxing, drove to Thayne, WY. The drive was easy on my mind buy not so much on my back. I got here and made up my room chilled with my grandparents, talked and caught up. My grandma has been through something similar as me and has an inoperable ''thing'' in her brain. She is really helping, I think supportive family and friends help, but can be hard and scary to find. Well it's 10:47 PM and my sleeping pill is taking affect, so....later

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Party

So my family does this thing with birthdays, they do one family party a month for the people who has a birthday that month, it changes houses each month.

I'm sitting here and enjoying myself with my family and can't help but think that I'm in the way of things, is that normal? Or sane? I'm scared that no one likes me or I'm just stepping on others shoes. I hope that the meds help with these feelings, but what if they don't. I hope everyone loves me even if I have these problems. Maybe I shouldn't worry, but I can't help it. I just don't know what to do.

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Life is funny

Today I woke up and things were beyond bad, I was told to lie by my mother to protect her, I want to but it doesn't feel right. I'm dealing with my own crap and just want to heal but it's hard when things like this happen. I had a panic attack last night and no one new, I feel alone today. I love my family but they can make it hard at times. All I want to do is make them happy but at this time in my life, I hate to say it, I need to be extremely selfish and do what is best for me, and that is doing the right things for the right reasons. How is it that life seems to through curve ball after curve ball at times. I have to do the right thing! I will when the time comes.

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The diagnostic

As of late I spent a week (5/7-13/2011) in Pioneer Valley Hospital's psych ward. I got drunk earlier (I never drink) in the day on the 7th due to hearing voices. Now these voices weren't ever coherant, the best way I can put it is: room full of people and everyone is talking. For 2-3ish day I didn't rememeber anything, who I was and who my friends and family are. Once I got that back I just wanted out. I meet some nice people and the nurses/techs were really nice. After the 5th day I was diagnost with Schizoaffective disorder, I'll admit I was freaking out inside; I didn't know what this meant and what would others say, what could I do with my future career. I'm 22 and have already had a "nervous break down", but I have meds 5-6 depending on my anxiety. I hope that blogging about this will help me to come to terms with my sickness and help me cope. If there is anyone else in the same boat as me or just looking for a friend to turn to, send me some mail and I would be more then happy to say hi.